3 years ago today...

God changed my life. On August 14, 2005, God mercifully extended His hand and offered me the gift of salvation. It is only by His amazing grace that I was able to accept His forgiveness. How can I explain the way Jesus Christ saved my life? How can I tell you what it's been like to have my life transformed, healed, and set on a path toward a destiny that I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams? I don't have words to do it justice. Nothing will ever fully explain the gratitude feel for being given a second chance...a chance for a new life that really is beyond my wildest dreams. I get to wake up each and every day knowing that I am passionately loved by my Heavenly Father...so much so that He gave His very life for me. The mind-boggling part is that He did it for you too! He did it for all of us. Can you imagine? What did we ever do to deserve something so wonderful? No human love could ever come close to what God has for you and me. I can't believe I missed it for 23 years! But it's a new day. TODAY is the day of salvation...three years ago today, to be exact. Thank You so much, Jesus. I love You more than anything and will spend the rest of my life trying to share a little bit of the love and life I have been so freely given.

Progress, not perfection

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him..."
-Psalm 37:7

I've got the waiting part down, I think. I'm still working on the stillness factor.

ALL your heart

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

That means trusting Him even when it hurts.

Out of the mouth of babes...

I noticed Joey fighting back tears while attempting to share his computer game with his cousins. He kind of had his face covered so no one could see that he was crying. Up until this point, he had been doing a great job taking turns with Donovan and Shannon. But it turns out that the game was on shuffle mode and Joey's favorite challenge came up when it wasn't his turn. He was visibly upset but trying so hard to hide it. It was so precious, I couldn't resist so I asked,

"Joey, what's wrong?"

He drew a shaky breath and heaved a big sigh,

"It's just hard to wait."

Truer words were never spoken.

Happy Birthday, Tannah!

My little girl is officially two-years-old. She got lots of presents: a stuffed bunny that resembles the one she chases around in the back yard, and some gourmet dog treats. Happy birthday, Tannah-Banana!

"And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us..." (Ps 90:17)

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet, if Christ Himself was perfected through His sufferings, why would I believe God would not do the same with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying, 'Yes' when the world says 'No.' By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything else has left them, God is there.

Living in true beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit...because it is a rare woman who chooses to keep her heart alive in this dangerous world. As we gaze on Jesus, as we behold His goodness, His glory, we are changed into His likeness, the most beautiful Person of all."

(Excerpt from Captivating by Stasi Eldredge)

Oh, beauty. I don't think there is a woman in the world who doesn't want to be beautiful, or at least wanted to at some point in her life. But I think we all know that God's idea of beauty and the world's idea of beauty are quite different. The world is focused on physical beauty. They judge beauty based on aesthetic appearance. God, on the other hand, seems a lot more concerned with the beauty of His children's hearts and less with their physical appearance. He is more interested in loving, pure, holy hearts than he is in athletic frames (although, I'm sure He appreciates our aerobic efforts as well). With this understanding in mind, a particular piece of the excerpt above caught my eye:

"...it is a rare woman who chooses to keep her heart alive in this dangerous world."

Keeping my heart alive in this dangerous world? I think it was the verbiage that really grabbed me. It looks like such a life-and-death kind of statement. Could my heart really die as a result of the cares and hurts that come in life? As I sat and thought about it a little more, I realized that, yes, there is definitely a way I could let my heart die. Going a little further, I could even kill my heart if I chose to.

There is no question that life has ups and it has downs. There are times of indescribable joy, and times of heart-wrenching pain and sorrow. I wish my life were a permanent joy-fest, but that won't happen until I get to my REAL home in Heaven. I'm not trying to make this sound like a gloomy blog, I love my life. I'm blessed in more ways than I deserve, but that doesn't mean that I live a pain-free, sorrow-free existence. I do, however, live a "despair-free" existence. That's because I know that I have a Heavenly Father who is continually working all things together for my good. I know that, even when things don't appear to be working out the way I wanted them to, or in the time frame I had in mind, God is still running the show.

What does any of this have to do with beauty? I think a truly beautiful woman is one who chooses to keep her heart open even after it's been hurt. She knows who her God is and trusts that He, first and foremost, is the One who holds her heart in His hands. Like Stasi said, she "...says 'Yes' when the world says 'No'." When most people would shut their hearts down to avoid any future injury, a beautiful woman remains vulnerable, open, loving, and trusting. If you ask me, that is a demonstration of faith. By choosing to keep her heart open, she shows that she trusts God to take care of her heart, no matter what other people may do to it.

My prayer, and my heart's desire, is that God would show me how to be that kind of woman, one that is truly beautiful. That He would help me keep my heart open. I pray that I will always be willing to share myself, my REAL self, with others... even if it means enduring some heartache. Maybe there is some truth to that old saying, "Pain is beauty and beauty is pain." Just, perhaps, not in the way most people think.

Surprises in the mail

I am the last person in the world who should ever doubt God's ability to miraculously provide for my needs. I have seen time and time again how God can really bring things out of nowhere to take care of His kids when they're in trouble.

Since Interns has ended, I have been able to work more, which is good. But it seems like I just can't catch up on my finances. It's been very busy at Islands, but anytime I get some money, it goes to something right away. IE: Birthdays, car stuff, pet stuff, etc. I have always tithed faithfully and have seen it bring blessings into my life since I became a Christian almost two years ago.

But, I have to admit, I was a little curious as to why I wasn't seeing my usual prosperity in the finance department. I continued to tithe and give offerings, but I was barely making my bills. Not to mention, KidzCity Camp is coming up (woo hoo!) and that will require missing a week of work. I was frustrated! I had no idea where the increase was going to come from. I said, "O.K. God. I have NO idea where the money is going to come from, but I know that I will be alright because You said that You will always provide for me and I will never be forsaken or ever have to go begging for bread. You even went so far as to say You would open the windows of Heaven over my life if I tithed. I may not see it, I may doubt it right now, but YOU said it and You don't lie, so I'll believe Your word."

Two or three weeks went by, same old same. I suppose it was a time for my faith to be tested and give offerings and tithe faithfully, even when money is tight. BUT...

Two days ago I got a letter from my auto insurance company. I opened it and it contained a check for $136! I was like, "WHAT?! What even IS this?" It turns out that my insurance company had a very successful year and decided to select certain individuals with good driving records and award them some of their premium as a return. Hahahahaha! I had no idea that this kind of thing even happens. I guess it just goes to show you that you really have NO idea where God is going to bring your blessings from. He can even bring it from your car insurance!