ALL your heart

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

That means trusting Him even when it hurts.

Out of the mouth of babes...

I noticed Joey fighting back tears while attempting to share his computer game with his cousins. He kind of had his face covered so no one could see that he was crying. Up until this point, he had been doing a great job taking turns with Donovan and Shannon. But it turns out that the game was on shuffle mode and Joey's favorite challenge came up when it wasn't his turn. He was visibly upset but trying so hard to hide it. It was so precious, I couldn't resist so I asked,

"Joey, what's wrong?"

He drew a shaky breath and heaved a big sigh,

"It's just hard to wait."

Truer words were never spoken.

Happy Birthday, Tannah!

My little girl is officially two-years-old. She got lots of presents: a stuffed bunny that resembles the one she chases around in the back yard, and some gourmet dog treats. Happy birthday, Tannah-Banana!

"And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us..." (Ps 90:17)

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet, if Christ Himself was perfected through His sufferings, why would I believe God would not do the same with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying, 'Yes' when the world says 'No.' By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything else has left them, God is there.

Living in true beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit...because it is a rare woman who chooses to keep her heart alive in this dangerous world. As we gaze on Jesus, as we behold His goodness, His glory, we are changed into His likeness, the most beautiful Person of all."

(Excerpt from Captivating by Stasi Eldredge)

Oh, beauty. I don't think there is a woman in the world who doesn't want to be beautiful, or at least wanted to at some point in her life. But I think we all know that God's idea of beauty and the world's idea of beauty are quite different. The world is focused on physical beauty. They judge beauty based on aesthetic appearance. God, on the other hand, seems a lot more concerned with the beauty of His children's hearts and less with their physical appearance. He is more interested in loving, pure, holy hearts than he is in athletic frames (although, I'm sure He appreciates our aerobic efforts as well). With this understanding in mind, a particular piece of the excerpt above caught my eye:

"...it is a rare woman who chooses to keep her heart alive in this dangerous world."

Keeping my heart alive in this dangerous world? I think it was the verbiage that really grabbed me. It looks like such a life-and-death kind of statement. Could my heart really die as a result of the cares and hurts that come in life? As I sat and thought about it a little more, I realized that, yes, there is definitely a way I could let my heart die. Going a little further, I could even kill my heart if I chose to.

There is no question that life has ups and it has downs. There are times of indescribable joy, and times of heart-wrenching pain and sorrow. I wish my life were a permanent joy-fest, but that won't happen until I get to my REAL home in Heaven. I'm not trying to make this sound like a gloomy blog, I love my life. I'm blessed in more ways than I deserve, but that doesn't mean that I live a pain-free, sorrow-free existence. I do, however, live a "despair-free" existence. That's because I know that I have a Heavenly Father who is continually working all things together for my good. I know that, even when things don't appear to be working out the way I wanted them to, or in the time frame I had in mind, God is still running the show.

What does any of this have to do with beauty? I think a truly beautiful woman is one who chooses to keep her heart open even after it's been hurt. She knows who her God is and trusts that He, first and foremost, is the One who holds her heart in His hands. Like Stasi said, she "...says 'Yes' when the world says 'No'." When most people would shut their hearts down to avoid any future injury, a beautiful woman remains vulnerable, open, loving, and trusting. If you ask me, that is a demonstration of faith. By choosing to keep her heart open, she shows that she trusts God to take care of her heart, no matter what other people may do to it.

My prayer, and my heart's desire, is that God would show me how to be that kind of woman, one that is truly beautiful. That He would help me keep my heart open. I pray that I will always be willing to share myself, my REAL self, with others... even if it means enduring some heartache. Maybe there is some truth to that old saying, "Pain is beauty and beauty is pain." Just, perhaps, not in the way most people think.

Surprises in the mail

I am the last person in the world who should ever doubt God's ability to miraculously provide for my needs. I have seen time and time again how God can really bring things out of nowhere to take care of His kids when they're in trouble.

Since Interns has ended, I have been able to work more, which is good. But it seems like I just can't catch up on my finances. It's been very busy at Islands, but anytime I get some money, it goes to something right away. IE: Birthdays, car stuff, pet stuff, etc. I have always tithed faithfully and have seen it bring blessings into my life since I became a Christian almost two years ago.

But, I have to admit, I was a little curious as to why I wasn't seeing my usual prosperity in the finance department. I continued to tithe and give offerings, but I was barely making my bills. Not to mention, KidzCity Camp is coming up (woo hoo!) and that will require missing a week of work. I was frustrated! I had no idea where the increase was going to come from. I said, "O.K. God. I have NO idea where the money is going to come from, but I know that I will be alright because You said that You will always provide for me and I will never be forsaken or ever have to go begging for bread. You even went so far as to say You would open the windows of Heaven over my life if I tithed. I may not see it, I may doubt it right now, but YOU said it and You don't lie, so I'll believe Your word."

Two or three weeks went by, same old same. I suppose it was a time for my faith to be tested and give offerings and tithe faithfully, even when money is tight. BUT...

Two days ago I got a letter from my auto insurance company. I opened it and it contained a check for $136! I was like, "WHAT?! What even IS this?" It turns out that my insurance company had a very successful year and decided to select certain individuals with good driving records and award them some of their premium as a return. Hahahahaha! I had no idea that this kind of thing even happens. I guess it just goes to show you that you really have NO idea where God is going to bring your blessings from. He can even bring it from your car insurance!

Where do I even begin?

How does somebody write a blog about the fact that their year as an intern is coming to an end? What do you even say? How can I put what has happened this year into words? There are none. Maybe I'll get some more revelation a little bit later, but for now, I am at a loss...

Oh my

SO many things to blog about. I would like to blog about decision-making...except I can't DECIDE what to say!!!



HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


GET IT?!?!?!?!



But seriously, I'll think of something soon. I realize I have been slacking in the blog department lately.

My own Valentine

So, I know this should have been posted on Valentine's Day, but I never really got around to it. And, since I'm sick at home today, I figure this is a good time to do it.

I know you all know by now that I am an Intern. One of the rules of being an intern is that you cannot be involved in any sort of romantic relationship during the nine-month program. This is not to be legalistic or restrictive, but rather to take away anything that would distract me from fully devoting my time and energy to my relationship with God. Sounds good, right?

Well, being the emotional girl that I am, I was feeling a little glum on Valentine's Day this year, due to the fact that I have no Valentine. So I decided that I would ask God to give me a special present on the 14th. I didn't know what it would be, I just knew that I would know what it was when I got it.

I got about halfway through the day...nothing. I went over to my Mom's house in the afternoon to help her with my little brother. When I got there I told her about my little "deal" with God and how I was still waiting for it. She laughed and said, "Well, I'm sure He'll come through. He always does."

About ten minutes later she came over to me and handed me a book. Not just any book, but a Children's Bible. "I found this when I was cleaning out the storage unit" she said. "Read the first page." I opened it and inside was a note that my Dad had written to me when he gave me the Bible for Christmas in 1991; I was nine years old. It said:

Dear Leah,

This is your Dad's favorite book. My prayer for you is that you will read and learn from it every day. If you read this book and do what it says, God Almighty will be your friend - and there is no better friend. I love you, always.

-Dad

What better Valentine could I have gotten? :)

Why am I so lucky?

I just celebrated my 25th birthday. What a terrific 48 (yes, 48) hours. Mine sort of lasted for two days this year. It was during this lengthy experience that I re-realized how fortunate I am. I have a great family, wonderful friends, and a relationship with God Almighty...who could ask for more? Thanks to everyone who made my two days so wonderful. I love each and every one of you.

Happy Birthday

My beloved Dad would have been 54 today. I love you, Dad. I miss you more each and every day. I can't wait for our joyous reunion!

Well, that didn't take long

God provided. My intern bill is completely paid off. Someone anonymously gave the remaining amount (pretty large) to me as a Christmas gift. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, generous person. I pray that God blesses you ten times over what you gave.

As Jery said, "God's got my back."

:)

Operation "Make-Me-Laugh"

So, this is something that I have been pondering for quite some time. I think we need to bring back the occupation known as "The Court Jester." Bear with me a moment, please.

How great would it be to have someone on-hand at all times with the sole purpose of entertaining you and making you laugh?

It would certainly add a great deal of glee to my life...what about yours? Let me know what you think and we will see what can be done about this.

I already have a few people in mind that I would like to hire to be MY Court Jester!

One year ago

November 13, 2005 is a very special date for me. You want to know why? I was baptized one year ago today! Thank You, Lord Jesus, for saving me. I will spend the rest of my life telling the world about the goodness that is You.

Taste and See

My favorite thing about our Heavenly Father, is that He is never-ending. You never get to a point in your relationship with Him where you can say, "Alright. I get it. I've got this whole thing figured out." God is constantly bringing more revelation, more blessing, more refinement. Every day that I spend with Him brings more "oh yeah!" moments where I realize something that I hadn't before. Saturday night was no exception.

I had the privilege of sitting next to a lovely Intern on the plane ride back from Seattle. (By the way, the Prosperity with a Purpose Conference...awesome!) We were chatting and in the middle of our conversation, I realized something. I should probably tag this thought onto a previous blog concerning my "SO belonging at The City Church", but what are ya gonna do?

We were talking about our lives and how we ended up becoming Christians. I was telling her about my Dad and Stepmom and how they prayed for all four Youssi girls every single day. They prayed that we would come to Christ and have a relationship with Him. My Dad prayed for me for 23 years before I walked in the door of City Church ( how faithful, huh? I guess I should learn to be patient in my prayers too!) He specifically prayed Colossians 1:9-14 over each of his four daughters and would substitue our names wherever it said the word "you". It would sound a little something like this:

"For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for Leah, and to ask that Leah may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that Leah may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified Leah to be a partaker of the inheritance of the saints in the light. He has delivered Leah from the power of darkness and conveyed her into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom Leah has redemption through His blood,[a] the forgiveness of sins."

Amy (his wife), also prayed specific verses for each of us, but she had a different one for each daughter. Guess what mine was.

Psalm 34:8
"Taste and see that the Lord is good."

Sound familiar? Well that's only because it is The City Church's verse! Hahaha. If that's not the world's biggest confirmation, I don't know what is! Amy would pray every morning that I would come to know Jesus and I would "taste and see that He was good." I didn't even realize it until Saturday night that my church's verse lines up exactly with what my Stepmom had been praying over my life for six years. It's absolutely perfect. I just "happen" to find a church that I feel instantly at home in, and it "happens" to have the same verse as it's motto that was prayed over me for years before my salvation. God's plan is so perfect.

I think it is safe to say that I am, indeed, tasting and He is oh, so good.

'Cuz I Know My God Saved the Day...

So...INTERNS! Yeah! Whoo! People told me to expect to be torn apart and put back together...over and over and over again. But I didn't expect God to do anything within the first six days!

I was totally nervous to start on the first day because I had no idea what to expect. But the first day was full of fun activities...and washing of the pastors' cars (Hallelujah). But, as the days wore on, I started getting a little nervous about money. In reality, I didn't have the finances to pay for the internship on my own and I hadn't written letters to anyone asking for support because my pride got in the way :(

So I was praying and asking the Lord what I should do about these feelings of doubt and fear. I basically had ZERO peace about being an intern. I was really confused because I was pretty sure I had a verse from God about doing it, but now that things were not falling into place financially, I was beginning to doubt. "Maybe I misunderstood the scripture. Maybe God gave me a rent-free place to live in San Diego because he wanted me here, but not necessarily to do interns." And on top of all these thoughts, a few days into the internship, a rock hit my windshield and put a crack in it...which will cost upwards of $500 to fix. That did it. I got so upset that I cried. (I pray and cry a lot, it seems.) I finally screamed to God, "Why is this happening? I thought you wanted me to be an intern! Why isn't there enough money? Are you trying to tell me something? I can't handle this, Lord! You know what? If You want me to be an intern, You're going to have to pay for it. I'll do the down payment but You have to take care of the rest because I sure don'thave enough money. Especially now that there is a huge crack in my windshield!"

After waiting a day or two, with no miraculous influx of checks, I decided that I must have made a mistake. I called one of my closest friends and told her that I was going to quit Interns. There wasn't enough money and on top of that, I was basically having an emotional freak-out. No sooner had I called her that I received a call from Jery at church. He called to inform me that someone had anonymously donated $500 to my Intern fund. I think I almost dropped the phone. I immediately called my friend and demanded to know if it was her doing...she laughed and said no. I still have NO idea who gave me the money. But, including the down payment and the donation of this person, I now have Interns halfway paid for. Whoo!

I can't believe how beautiful God's plan is. He used this experience to show me that I CAN count on Him for everything. Even when I feel like He's not listening, He is. He stretches and stretches and stretches me until I can't do another thing on my own and have no other choice but to cry out to Him. He takes me through the fire to the point where I can't go another step and then, right before I am ready to quit because I can't take the heat, He rushes in and SAVES THE DAY. How lucky are we that our God is a Savior? That He delights in saving us when we're certain that we're done for?

I have NO way to pay for this internship. But God does. What is a few thousand dollars to Almighty God, the One who gives us the power to get wealth in the first place? I also think this experience served to humble and ask for help from others. Many people have offered to bless me financially when they heard about the program, but I was too proud to accept it. It's so funny. My Savior knows me to a "T"...He knows just how to get me. Now that I told God that He has to pay for it, I HAVE to accept money from people. Haha. I think that proves God has a sense of humor.

I wrote the check for the down payment yesterday. As I was writing it, I prayed, "Dear Lord, thank You that this is the last check I will have to write for this program. Thank You for being my Provider. Amen."

A gift from my King

While walking through a grocery store in Illinois a few days ago, I came across a lovely bouquet of flowers. At first I simply looked and enjoyed their beauty, then I started to get a little nostalgic feeling in my stomach. It suddenly dawned on me that I missed getting flowers. I am a complete sucker for any kind of girly gifts, but flowers are a true weakness :) I had a boyfriend who used to give them to me as gifts almost weekly. It always made me sad that something so beautiful would eventually wilt and die, so I took pictures of every single bouquet I ever got from him. THAT'S how bad I am, you guys.
Anyway, I had my sad little moment in the store and then went on with my day. The next morning I was standing in the kitchen, cup of coffee in hand, looking out the window at a beautiful Autumn morning. All of a sudden, I see a pink rose in front of my face. I turn around and my Grandpa has a rose in his hand that he picked from his garden just for me. "Grandpa," I said, "I didn't know you grew roses in your garden" He replied, "I didn't either. I've never seen a rose like this before"
So, not only did God hear me in the store that day, He got someone to give me a flower. And not just any flower, a special one that my Grandpa had never seen before! I don't know how much more I could ask for. I love when He does that. He took the time to show me that He does care about the little things in our lives. He cared that I missed getting flowers. He cared enough to show me that He was listening. I love knowing that the God of the Heaven and Earth cares enough to send His silly little girl a pink rose...just so she knows He loves her. :) You'd better believe I took a picture of it too!

Don't worry, it's only my will breaking.

God called me out on something. I won't go into details but it does have a little something to do with the BIGGEST surrender of my life; letting go of something that I am absolutely terrified of relinquishing. Why is it so easy to trust God in some areas, but not others? Thankfully, I had some wonderful friends remind me that God has a plan for us. He gives us a hope and a future. Not only that, but He promises to do far above anything we ever could have planned for ourselves...IF we just wait for Him. Knowing all this, it becomes pretty difficult to make plans for my life without asking God about them first...even when these plans look all rosy and perfect in my mind. I have to surrender my will, give up all MY plans for the future in order to be fully open to what God wants to do with me. Once I reminded myself that my life does not belong to me, I cried A LOT and told God that, yes, I still belonged to Him. He could still have me and do whatever He wanted with my life. When I was telling a friend about all this, she heard my tears over the phone and asked, "Leah, are you crying?" And I said, "Yes. But don't worry, it's only my will breaking."

A pleasant sound

For those of you who don't know, I have a three-year-old brother named Joey. This kid is the light of my life. He fills me with joy each and every day just by being himself. Lately, though, God has been using Joey to show me how He feels about me, and all of His children. Yesterday, for example, I was riding in the car with my Mom and Joey, listening to a CD of children's songs that he loves. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Joey started singing along. My Mom and I stopped in mid-conversation and just listened. We sat there with our hands over our mouths, absolutely tickled at the sound of his little voice singing with such enthusiasm. He didn't have all the words exactly right, his pitch wasn't perfect, but we loved it.

It suddenly dawned on me, as I was listening to this precious voice, that this must be how God feels about us when we sing worship songs for Him. I know I don't have the most perfect voice and I don't always know the words, but somehow I think our Heavenly Father loves hearing it just the same.

The Bible says in 1 John 3:1 -

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

I get immeasurable joy out of Joey, and he isn't even my child. If I love him this much, how much more does our Father love us and get joy out of things that we do for Him?

Remembering the big day.

I was talking to a VERY wise young woman yesterday. I was seeking her advice on something and she mentioned in passing that I "SO belong at The City Church." I laughed and said "I know." But after we hung up I REALLY started thinking about what she said. I remember the first day I walked through the doors of TCC. I was not saved at the time and my soul was just starving for God. I had done my share of trying to fill my life with other things and wound up hurt and empty...big surprise.

God walked into my life through a beautiful woman named Joy Veale, who happened to crash a summer school class I was taking. I could just tell that there was something different about her. She really personified her name. My Dad's health was not doing well at the time and I was struggling with demons of my own and I was really just drawn to her. I know, now, that what I saw coming out of her eyes was the love of Jesus Christ. (I also know that she's pretty flippin' awesome so that's why I was drawn to her too!) She would mention church here and there when I would ask her what she did over the weekend, etc. I REALLY wanted her to invite me to go with her so I kept dropping little hints about how I wanted to get back into a church but I wasn't really wanting to go to Catholic church...yadda yadda yadda. So when she asked, "Do you want to come to church with me?" I practically said yes before she even finished asking.

I was excited for Sunday. I thought I would be nervous because I had never been to someone else's church before, but my Dad was a born-again, on-fire Christian for 30 years so I knew a little bit about what this church would be like. I couldn't wait for the day to come. It was as if my heart knew that something BIG was about to happen. I had no idea how right I was...

I think I arrived a few minutes late because I had trouble finding the building so worship had already started by the time I walked in. I don't know what happened, but as soon as I walked into the sanctuary, I knew I was HOME. Something inside me just said "This is it. THIS is what I have been waiting for my whole life. THIS is where I belong." After worship was over Pastor Jerry asked if anyone needed prayer. I didn't know a soul in the place besides Joy and Mrs. Schneider, but my hand shot right up. I knew that this is what I needed. I went forward at the end of the service and gave my life to Christ, and I have never been the same since.

I love thinking about that day because it really takes me back to the joy of my salvation. God took me from my life, which was going nowhere and meant nothing, and gave me a purpose that means EVERYTHING. He lifted me out a pointless, empty life where everything dissapointed me, to set me on a path that gets more exciting every day. I get to have a loving, personal relationship with my Maker. The One who knew me before I was even in my Mother's womb, the One who knows the exact number of hairs on my head, the One who loves me more than His own life. I get to be blessed every day with amazing friends and amazing joy and provision. I get to have peace. I get to have TRUE love. There is just no describing the gratitude in my heart for what Jesus has done. I guess that's why we dance in church on Sundays, huh?

So Allene, you are correct. I SO belong at The City Church. God pulled me out of the muck and placed me here. I don't know why. I don't deserve it. It's purely a gift of God's grace. But I consider myself very blessed to be a part of it.

God NEVER fails

God NEVER fails to provide perfect circumstances when it comes to carrying out His will for my life. I needed somewhere to stay during Interns and I REALLY wanted to live with my Mom but my stepdad wouldn't allow it; he thinks I'm too old to be living at home. I kept praying that God would change his heart and open up a way for me to live there, but nothing was happening. I finally gave in and told God that I would apply to have a host family, even though it's not what I wanted. But I still have to obey the word God gave me and do Interns. I wasn't super-excited about living with a family that I hardly know, but I figured it would be a growing experience and it would turn out for the best because things always do when God is behind them.
BUT...

Last night I text-messaged my cousin to congratulate her on a new job that she just got. She is one of the producers with Turning Point, a ministry done by Pastor David Jeremiah that airs every Sunday morning on UPN. She and I were catching up on life a bit and we got talking about the internship. I explained everything that was happening and how I was waiting on the Lord to provide a place for me, and she said, "Leah, just something to think about, my Mom says you are always welcome to stay with us as long as you need to." I was like "WHAT?!?!" They have a room for me available right now for me to move into! This is a family that I have grown up with who also happen to be on-fire for Jesus! So, in three weeks, I will be living in Del Mar, rent-free, with a wonderful Christian family. How could I have ever even hoped for anything better!? It's just like the verses that we read last Sunday about how God is able to do far more than we would ever dare ask or dream.

I think God must smile when we finally realize the plan that He has been working on behind our backs. I'd been earnestly praying about moving in with my Mom and getting sad because I wasn't getting what I wanted. God must have been like, "Leah, just wait a few weeks. I have the PERFECT place for you. Trust Me. Just wait a little while longer." Now I see why He said "No" about my Mom's house. He had an even better place waiting...I just didn't know it yet.